My Life With Ladyfag

After printing out a tax form for Lady (which in her business one can imagine is stressful) this conversation took place:

Me- Do you have a Taxpayer Identification Number?

Lady- Does Anyone?

I laughed, but now I am wondering…

Between the busy schedule Ladyfag keeps and my schoolwork, we have barely had a chance to see each other lately! However, when we do it is always a blast. I have been sending messages, making collages, and updating facebook like it is no ones business, and Lady even came to talk to my class….seriously! She has become much more capable of functioning on her own in this crazy modern world, although I would like to think she still needs her intern every now and then.

“I’ve been purchasing things on iTunes. It’s like i’m a real modern woman. I have ping now. I don’t know what that is but i have it.”

She also played the same album over and over again the entire time I was with her today, alas I still cannot get a song about wearing purple out of my head! No worries though, she was dressed as a gypsy since the band is “gypsy punk” and she always must dress to her mood.

“OH don’t tell me I have to be an actress to win an Oscar I can do whatever the FUCK I want!”

“I am a modern woman.”

“His name is Speedy….that’s not a good sign.”

I really hate spending time apart from Ladyfag. I had to miss a week for my finals, and it was quite upsetting. Now, I’m stuck in Arizona while she is busy being fabulous all over New York. Unfortunately, this is not the easiest time for Lady. She lost a good friend to brain cancer last week, and although his death was not sudden, it was a great loss. I am once again in awe of Ladyfag because even though she is hurting, she still manages to be completely amazing and entertain everyone around her. It takes a strength beyond anything I have encountered before to continue doing what she does every night and still be Ladyfag despite what she is going through. I wish there was something I could do. The last time I was with her she made me laugh the entire time, maybe someday I can return the favor. For now, all my best wishes go out to Lady, and so many thanks for all the good times. I cannot express my gratitude enough for someone who chooses to spread happiness even during their hardest times.

After starting her day at 2pm by getting her nails done with me (her thumb nail was so sharp it tore the magazine she was reading. werk.) Ladyfag and I made a quick stop by an Italian deli for some sandwich-making materials, then headed to her place. One of the most surprising facts about Lady is not that her days start at 2pm and end at 7am, but rather that in those waking hours she actually prefers to whip up a quick meal or snack in her own home to ordering food. A nice white bean and garlic dip? She’ll make it in five minutes. Forget about buying a hero, she buys the ingredients and puts together a delicious sandwich that rivals any knock-off Sicilian restaurant in Little Italy. Mid-sandwich I heard someone sing “Laaaadyyyy” to the window, and who else was waiting there but my cousin! I could sit and listen to Ladyfag and my cousin Macky talk all day, even if I don’t know half the names they throw around. They are one mind, bitching about bad parties, raving about Vogue Paris, and nodding in approval at blogs they like. Ladyfag got extremely upset when her computer started freezing, and asked, “Well, do you think maybe I should exit Safari? Or turn off my computer? I’ve never done that…” She may be a fashionista and a party genius, but a fan of computers she is not. Oh well, I got to watch my cousin try on five pairs of her jeans while the macbook took a rest. Seriously.

When Lady first asked me to come help with a photo shoot, I was absolutely giddy. I am a lifelong tomboy. The idea of glamour existed only in the movies, I never thought I would ever get remotely close to it. I thought buying $40 Vans was really dishing out for an expensive pair of shoes, then all of a sudden I get to assist on a real photo shoot? Nay, two in one week! Shooting in Ladyfag’s apartment is amazing because everything is so visual, so stunning. She created an entire storyline for a fashion video that was also being shot, and let me tell you, it was not easily executed. One of her inspirations of the day was the snow (everyone else in the city was cringing) so of course that meant a troop of photographers, stylists, interns, and Ladyfag trudging through the slush to get to a park about five blocks from her apartment. This particular group was a bit on the gay side, leading to a hilarious trek. The only idea Lady had that didn’t come to fruition was her being in a snowy tree, but between the thousands of dollars worth of clothing and the amount of strength the interns combined had, it just wasn’t going to happen. All I know is that watching her step out of her boots and into heels when it was about seven degrees outside amazed me and also reminded me that I hadn’t actually felt my toes in about an hour. The pictures turned out to be stunning, and the video exceeded even my expectations. I felt lucky just to be holding the umbrella.

I have not been to Ladyfag’s in almost two weeks, so today was a whirlwind. My first task: sift through the 327 facebook friend requests, and make sure to “add all the gays, but watch out for the tranny chasers.” Lady introduced me to the term tranny chaser. Def- a person (typically male) that seeks out transsexual women to pay for sex. Said people will spend thousands shipping their favorite tranny all over the world. Of all the requests Ladyfag receives, a good proportion are from tranny chasers, which I find especially funny since she is a biological woman. Figuring out the difference between gay men and men who want to pay my boss to have sex with them despite her nagging lack of a penis took up quite a bit of time, which Lady spent sorting through her laundry. To her dismay, the washing machine in her building does not have a delicate cycle, so she was forced to untangle her lace panties from her bra from her tights from every other item of clothing that had been washed. As she was hanging her wet clothes on the drying rack that only appears when it is needed, her face turned into the biggest pout I have ever seen her wear. When I asked what was wrong, her simple response was, “This is SO not glamorous!” We both laughed, and continued working. Then, she pulled out what can only be described as the answer to every S&M fetish shops’ dream: a skirt made completely of opaque latex. “I woke up the next morning so hungover, and I thought, ‘oh my god did I have sex?’ because there was lube all over my legs! Then I realized I had to put it on to wear the latex all night.” After that trip down memory lane, Lady was famished so we took a lovely break to order Chinese and watch an episode of AbFab (Absolutely Fabulous, if you have never seen it, watch it nownownow). While we were watching my friend texted me saying he had received a box of baked goods in the mail from an older man (ok fine, a total daddy) and her response was, “Oh, I had a friend that broke up with her boyfriend because he sent her a brownie in the mail. He didn’t tell her it was a piece of art and that it was actually coated in poison.” I just could not make up this job if I tried.

Ladyfag does not look like Lady GaGa. Now, we all know I have undying love and affection for GaGa, she is my future wife after all, but Ladyfag does not draw influence from her. In fact, there are many people in the nightlife scene that inspired GaGa, and not the other away around. I believe what GaGa is doing is beautiful; she is bringing a feeling of freedom that was previously confined to dark clubs and dive bars into mainstream pop culture, but it’s important to remember that she did not originate the style she has become famous for. Before anyone jumps on me for insulting her, I’M NOT, I’m just pointing out something I’ve witnessed in my excursions with Ladyfag. The gay nightlife scene in New York is unlike anything else, if you haven’t experienced it you need to, and if you have, then you know. GaGa went out to these clubs for years, seeing club kids like Amanda LePore and Richie Rich, eccentric personalities like Susanne Bartsch and Kenny Kenny, and becoming close with rock DJ Lady Starlight. These are all friends of Ladyfag, people she goes out with every weekend dressed not like GaGa, but however she feels like dressing! Ladyfag has a unique sense of style that never ceases to amaze me, she would never be caught in the same outfit twice and everyone wants to see what she is wearing. Her “costumes” are not for fun, they are a part of who she is (although they are tons of fun, as well). I wish more people understood the scene that GaGa emerged from, it has such an energy, such an intoxicating atmosphere that you can’t help but laugh and dance until it is light outside. The characters that run these parties are fantastic, and rightfully do not like the assumption that they would ever steal ideas from a celebrity, no matter how fabulous she may be. For instance, look at this picture of Kenny Kenny. It’s from 2004, when GaGa was involved heavily in the downtown nightlife scene that he frequents. Look familiar? Ladyfag and all her friends are the original, and that is all there is to it.